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Homepage > Psychology > Reducing the stress of moving abroad – Part 2: Flight
September 23, 2017 In Psychology

Reducing the stress of moving abroad – Part 2: Flight

Expat-stress-explained-projectabroad.eu

Stress – ooh this scary word that everyone denies. Stress can show itself in various forms – running around like a headless chicken, shouting at people, venting, crying. But it can also come out in the form of backing down, detaching yourself from the situation, acting like nothing happens. Although it does.

In the last weeks we were exploring what stress actually means, what the freeze reactions to stress might look like and how can you make use of the time when you’re not just quite ready to take any action yet.

Another way of dealing with stressful situations that we will look at – where you don’t feel like you’ve got enough resources or strength to deal with it – is backing down. So essentially when you flight it means that you are doing other things to avoid thinking about a given stressor. Although long-term it’s not the most effective strategy as it doesn’t attempt to solve the ‘problem’, it can be extremely helpful to reduce the stress levels short term.

 

All the things you need to do after moving…

Let’s say you are moving with a partner (and maybe also kids). You were appointed to manage the logistics related to the move – who would do it better than you, right? You couldn’t say no. But the amount of things to do just keep adding up – setting up the bank accounts, medical insurance, flat hunting, shipping of goods to the new location, finding a job/school, finding a reasonably priced grocery shop, dealing with these weird people... Oh gosh! That’s a lot to take on!

So your reaction might be to just focus on one thing, completely ignoring the others. In many cases, it will be reflected in good time management and prioritization.

 

All these people who know better

Often though the flight response might expose you to hurtful comments from your friends and family. “You’re playing around with printing photos for the frames and putting out candles all over the house instead of looking for work – are you crazy?”. You’re not crazy. “You could start looking for a job instead of sitting around and watering plants! Don’t you want to find a job and settle down?” Yes, you probably do want to feel like at home here. What you’re doing is you simply streamline all the things you need to do. Maybe you decided to settle down in your home first. This will help you, your partner and kids feel safer, create a nice supportive environment for your family in a surrounding that is complete new. You did that before actively starting to search for a new job for your family’s sake.  And that’s ok if you need this to reduce the stress in a given moment.

 

Connecting with yourself

What writing a journal can help with though is to connect with yourself and know why you’re doing what you’re doing. Are you doing this really because you decided to do things one by one and decorating the house wouldn’t have a long-term impact of your job-search success? Or maybe you are just doing everything BUT starting to look for work because you’re scared that this might be problematic in a given location? If the latter, maybe it is the time to intentionally try to use different anti-stress strategies to release the pressure long-term and not just for a day or two? After all, the topic of a job will be coming back like a boomerang.

 

Best thing in learning about stress-reducing techniques

The best thing in expanding your knowledge about how to reduce stress and learning various techniques, is that your repertoire of ideas gets wider and wider. Thanks to this you may not only help manage your emotions, but also help your close ones deal with the stressors they experience.

In the above examples, you find yourself backing down and escaping the problems that you are aware of and substitute any actions that you are ‘supposed’ to take with some less meaningful activities only to avoid it. You notice this and so you may decide to stop and see what’s going on and why you still don’t feel satisfied with your new life. Either by practicing mindfulness, writing a journal, or finding a moment just with yourself to think about what you need. Once you know what’s going on and potentially why, you can start thinking about more active stress-reducing techniques to help you change the status quo…

You can use a variety techniques which relate directly to the type of struggle you’re facing at a given time.

 

 

Other articles in this series:

Expat stress explained

Reducing the stress of moving abroad – Part 1: Freeze

Reducing the stress of moving abroad – Part 3: Fight

 

expat life healthy mind mental health psychology stress tips
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Marta Zielińska

Hi, my name is Marta. I am combining my psychological, business and intercultural experience to offer advice on successful living and working across cultures. I believe that everything is possible for such an ambitious and talented person as yourself! With some exercises, self-reflection and new knowledge, you can grow your cultural intelligence and build a successful international career, mind and life.

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Sometimes we have a toolkit full of tools already - those that we learned through experience, different courses or articles, that someone shared with us. ⁠ ⁠ But - we may not be sure how to use them in practice! Or get overwhelmed by the amount of information out there and how to make sense of it, put it all together.⁠ ⁠ Meeting with a coach can support you in choosing the best tools, reminding you how to use them, or show you a different way to use the existing resources. ⁠ ⁠ Do you feel like you technically should know how to deal with X, but you just don't know where to start? ⁠ Maybe that's your cue to reach out to me to learn more about how coaching can be helfpul 😊 ⁠ DM me the word 'COACH' and let's chat! ⁠ ⁠ ⁠ ⁠ #expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
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Do you sometimes catch yourself saying or doing things that feel ‘out of character’? That may happen as a result of the internal process that’s happening between the situation occurring and that result taking place.

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This S-PACE-R tool can help you analyse how your thoughts, actions, feelings and body reactions all impact each other to produce a certain result. 

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Do you sometimes catch yourself saying or doing things that feel ‘out of character’? That may happen as a result of the internal process that’s happening between the situation occurring and that result taking place. Good news is: you can have insight into the ‘in-between’! This S-PACE-R tool can help you analyse how your thoughts, actions, feelings and body reactions all impact each other to produce a certain result. Let’s look at an example. 👉Situation: you scroll through IG and notice a post from an expat who is at a party, laughing with friends. 👉Physical reaction: you feel a constraint in the stomach and notice your eyes watering. 👉Action: you go into the person’s profile and watch more of their posts. 👉Emotion: you feel sad because you don’t seem to be having such a rich social life abroad so far 👉Thoughts: “I’m a failure, I can’t find myself any friends here”, “This move wasn’t worth it” (These influences can go either way and can start at any point in the circle, by the way! Often, they also go on in circles and augment each other too!) 👉Result: You stay at home, soaking in your sadness, not going out, not putting yourself out there, not making friends - and proving your initial thought. You see the potential downward spiral effect here? Of course - it doesn’t need to be that way, or even as dramatic! But you’d be surprised how quickly we can notice these little interrelations in many situations in our lives. Having the self-awareness about these though can help you regain control and reframe thoughts where needed to facilitate more supportive behaviours and in turn gain better results! It can be difficult to work through these by yourself at first. As a coach, I can provide you with support and accountability in this process. You in? 😊 DM me.
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Ever wondered how your cultural background impacts your working preferences? 🧐⁠ ⁠ You hear me talk about cultural dimensions quite a bit here. I believe that understanding the drivers of our behaviour in that international context is super important to buildling confidence in working in another culture (so a slightly different focus than your MBTIs or Enneagrams etc). ⁠ ⁠ And it's not just theory and what-ifs! ⁠ ⁠ We've got a reliable tool which helps you get more insights into where you stand on ten cultural dimensions and how does it compare to the cross-cultural studies which have been conducted over the years. ⁠ ⁠ 👉️If you'd like to stop wondering and get more concrete - DM me the word 'CULTURE' and I'll share more details with you on how the assessment and your personalised report review with me work. ⁠ ⁠ The insight doesn't end just on doing the assessment and viewing results. In fact, my packages don't include just the assessment, they always come with a report review and consultation to give you the space to reflect on the results and how you can implement the insights to improve your intercultural communication at work or in personal life. ⁠ ⁠ You can read more details on the website in the 'Offer' Tab (link in bio) 😊⁠ ⁠ #expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
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Intercultural communication is mostly about YOU, not them. ⁠
There, I said it! ☝️⁠
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Why is it about you? ⁠
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You can't change 'them'. BUT - - you can understand yourself in relation to the other people's way of working, and decide if you want to do something about it. ⁠
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Your options are: ⁠
1️⃣ Do nothing. Keep the frustration, delay the results and progress, deepen the gap between us and them. ⁠
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2️⃣ Communicate to the other person directly to say that clearly something is not working and you find a way to work effectively together towards that same goal. ⁠
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3️⃣ And better yet - C) actually go beyond just that and build your cultural awareness before that conversation, and continue with that development going forward - to understand your own values, your own cultural influences, how they relate to the challenging situation you faced. ⁠
And finally - expand your repertoire of communication strategies, so that perhaps you can adapt and increase efficiency in your work without confronting the other person at all 😉⁠
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How does that sound for you? 🤔⁠
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#expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
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Intercultural communication is mostly about YOU, not them. ⁠ There, I said it! ☝️⁠ ⁠ Why is it about you? ⁠ ⁠ Well, it's not about 'them' behaving a certain way, doing things differently or weird or being hard to work with. ⁠ ⁠ You can't change 'them'. BUT - - you can understand yourself in relation to the other people's way of working, and decide if you want to do something about it. ⁠ ⁠ Your options are: ⁠ 1️⃣ Do nothing. Keep the frustration, delay the results and progress, deepen the gap between us and them. ⁠ ⁠ 2️⃣ Communicate to the other person directly to say that clearly something is not working and you find a way to work effectively together towards that same goal. ⁠ ⁠ 3️⃣ And better yet - C) actually go beyond just that and build your cultural awareness before that conversation, and continue with that development going forward - to understand your own values, your own cultural influences, how they relate to the challenging situation you faced. ⁠ And finally - expand your repertoire of communication strategies, so that perhaps you can adapt and increase efficiency in your work without confronting the other person at all 😉⁠ ⁠ How does that sound for you? 🤔⁠ ⁠ #expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
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Which ones are you happy with? ⁠

Which ones would you like to develop further? ⁠

Any that you'd add to the list as key skills for people who live abroad? ⁠
⁠
⁠
#expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
Which ones are you happy with? ⁠

Which ones would you like to develop further? ⁠

Any that you'd add to the list as key skills for people who live abroad? ⁠
⁠
⁠
#expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
Which ones are you happy with? ⁠

Which ones would you like to develop further? ⁠

Any that you'd add to the list as key skills for people who live abroad? ⁠
⁠
⁠
#expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
Which ones are you happy with? ⁠

Which ones would you like to develop further? ⁠

Any that you'd add to the list as key skills for people who live abroad? ⁠
⁠
⁠
#expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
Which ones are you happy with? ⁠

Which ones would you like to develop further? ⁠

Any that you'd add to the list as key skills for people who live abroad? ⁠
⁠
⁠
#expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
Which ones are you happy with? ⁠

Which ones would you like to develop further? ⁠

Any that you'd add to the list as key skills for people who live abroad? ⁠
⁠
⁠
#expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
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Which ones are you happy with? ⁠ Which ones would you like to develop further? ⁠ Any that you'd add to the list as key skills for people who live abroad? ⁠ ⁠ ⁠ #expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
4 weeks ago
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It is a bit of everything everywhere all at once, would you agree? 😃😅

#expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
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It is a bit of everything everywhere all at once, would you agree? 😃😅 #expatcoaching #expatlife #livingabroad #expatcoach #workingabroad #lifeabroad #workabroad #careerabroad #internationallife #internationalcareer #globalcareer #globallife #globalleaders #culturalawareness #selfawareness #selfgrowth #personalgrowth #personaldevelopment #culturalcompetence #movingabroad #zyciezagranica #zycienaemigracji #pracazagranica #rozwojosobisty #polacyzagranica
4 weeks ago
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8/9
🤷I know what I need to do, but it doesn't feel genuine! 
🤷I know they do that, but it feels so rude, I just can't get myself to do it! 
🤷I know I've got to stop myself from doing that, but it just feels unlike me not to!

The above are quotes from people I worked with. 

The 1st person, let's call her Anna, moved from Poland to the UK, and really struggled with the small talk. It's not like we don't casually chat in Poland, but it doesn't play as big of a role in building connections in professional settings. She knew she needed to engage in the chit chat, but she wasn't used to it happening so many times in a day! It didn't feel genuine or meaningful as people talked to her almost in passing.

The 2nd person, let's call her Hope, moved from Malaysia to Spain. She wasn't used to the loud and dynamic exchanges common among the Spanish. Growing up she was told not to interrupt others when they're talking - it's rude! Silence played a big part in professional conversations, showing consideration and respect to those she was interacting with. In Spain, she found herself unable to fully engage in meetings, labelled as 'the quiet one'. She saw what others were doing, she knew she had to engage differently, but it was just SO hard to get over the initial beliefs! 

The 3rd person had the opposite problem to Hope's. Diego moved from Spain to the UK, and was struggling with the feedback he started receiving, along the lines of 'he's too excitable, he interrupts others as they're talking, he's too casual'. He knew he needed to tone down his communication, be more conscious about the pace of the conversation. He was able to do it, but what he struggled with the most is that it didn't feel like the real HIM anymore. He considered moving back to Spain because of that even though the UK career opportunities were clearly better for him at the time. 

All of them had the ability to shape their behaviour differently, they knew what they needed to do. It was not the lack of knowledge that was stopping them - it was the beliefs. In our coaching meetings we worked to find their origins, untangle them, and start creating beliefs that served them better in their new lives abroad.
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🤷I know what I need to do, but it doesn't feel genuine! 🤷I know they do that, but it feels so rude, I just can't get myself to do it! 🤷I know I've got to stop myself from doing that, but it just feels unlike me not to! The above are quotes from people I worked with. The 1st person, let's call her Anna, moved from Poland to the UK, and really struggled with the small talk. It's not like we don't casually chat in Poland, but it doesn't play as big of a role in building connections in professional settings. She knew she needed to engage in the chit chat, but she wasn't used to it happening so many times in a day! It didn't feel genuine or meaningful as people talked to her almost in passing. The 2nd person, let's call her Hope, moved from Malaysia to Spain. She wasn't used to the loud and dynamic exchanges common among the Spanish. Growing up she was told not to interrupt others when they're talking - it's rude! Silence played a big part in professional conversations, showing consideration and respect to those she was interacting with. In Spain, she found herself unable to fully engage in meetings, labelled as 'the quiet one'. She saw what others were doing, she knew she had to engage differently, but it was just SO hard to get over the initial beliefs! The 3rd person had the opposite problem to Hope's. Diego moved from Spain to the UK, and was struggling with the feedback he started receiving, along the lines of 'he's too excitable, he interrupts others as they're talking, he's too casual'. He knew he needed to tone down his communication, be more conscious about the pace of the conversation. He was able to do it, but what he struggled with the most is that it didn't feel like the real HIM anymore. He considered moving back to Spain because of that even though the UK career opportunities were clearly better for him at the time. All of them had the ability to shape their behaviour differently, they knew what they needed to do. It was not the lack of knowledge that was stopping them - it was the beliefs. In our coaching meetings we worked to find their origins, untangle them, and start creating beliefs that served them better in their new lives abroad.
1 month ago
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