Living away from home might be a difficult experience, especially at the beginning when you don’t quite know anyone, don’t know where everything is, don’t have rituals in place yet and in general you are still the new one. The role of friends and relatives in this transition period is crucial, so below you will find a few ideas on how to go through this period together and support your friend/family member in their move abroad.
What is important for most people who have recently moved to live abroad? From my own experience as well as talking to people who have moved abroad recently there are three main things: staying in touch with the close ones who stayed in the home country, being able to visit home country reasonably often, openly sharing experiences of being in the new place with the ones you love. The list is not exclusive of course, but is a start to a conversation about how to help the new expats to deal with the cultural change they encounter when moving abroad, regardless of what their reason for leaving the home country was.
Long-distance relationship with friends and family
The need for staying in touch when you move abroad is really big. Of course, there are lots of new experiences, new places you visit, new people you meet, but the first thing you think of is ‘I have to tell [friend’s name] about all this!’. As much as in the first weeks or months you may enjoy the new place, there is a strong need to stay in touch.
Having that in mind, here are some tips for friends and families of expats:
Don’t point out the fact that they’ve left.
Or what’s even worse – that they have left y o u, abandoned y o u. They know they’ve left, they had their reasons, there might be various ones – from trying to earn more money to make a living, all the way to falling in love and eloping. You can’t change that and the best thing is to simply accept it. Without this acceptance you won’t be able to support them through this transition, similarly to the expat not being able to fully connect with you.
Don’t promise to visit if you’re not sure you will.
If you don’t know or are not sure, don’t promise to visit the person abroad. You can of course say you’d like to come at some point, but don’t necessarily say you w i l l and that you w i l l look at the flights and w i l l let them know. False hopes very often (especially when you reach the certain stage of cultural adjustment) change into a strong feeling of disappointment and abandonment.
Try to initiate contact – phone and internet work both ways.
Fresh expats very often try to reach out to their friends and families in the home country because they need a contact with someone who understands them and will support them, they don’t want to lose these relationships only because they decided to live and work abroad. The challenge starts when and expat reaches out then and again and the initiative always seems to be on their side. Because he/she is the one who is lonely and needs to talk. They know you have your own life and are living it, meeting friends, going to work as you’ve always done. Try to even this contact out though if you want to stay in touch with the person who moved abroad. Otherwise, you will very quickly miss out on their bits of new reality and fall out of loop as to what’s going on in their lives – and it’s then a very quick way to lose touch.
Sending pictures or short videos works quite well in these long-distance relationships as it seems more ‘real’. It’s good to just reach out now and then to talk even about really prosaic things you’ve done in a regular working day. This creates a better bond and enables you to understand each other’s realities. Try to speak to your close ones as much as you would normally do.
You only arrive for such a short period of time!
The things that I and my expat friends very often hear when we come to visit our families/friends in the home country is ‘you only arrive for such a short time!’. We know. And it’s as difficult for us as it is for you. The problem is – flights are not always cheap, holiday allowance at work is not unlimited, and we can’t be in two places at the same time. That said, here are a couple of thoughts on how to make the stay more relaxed for both expat and their friends/family.
Don’t reproach the expats for being home only for one week or so.
That’s probably the only time they could actually come, they made an effort to use their holiday allowance to come and visit, they spent some money on flights and they made the journey (often not a short one). They wanted to meet with you, they will probably be running around this whole week to be able to meet with as many people as they can while they are home.
They are doing their best to accommodate everyone’s needs. Let them leave from the family celebration an hour earlier so that they can meet with their best friend. They will appreciate it.
Enjoy the time as much as you can, use it to do something together.
If you already have these couple of hours together and you meet in person (hurray!!) use this time to do something you can’t do online. Go skating together, or biking, just do some sports, make a barbecue, meet in a bigger group of people. Leave watching movies or pictures for when you’re miles away from each other. Try not to think that it’s only a couple of hours together. Enjoy the time you have together like you would normally do. Remember, it’s as difficult for you as it is for the person who left to live abroad.
Agree to listen
The endless talking of the expats, I dare to assume, is probably the most annoying for the friends and family in the home country. Especially at the beginning, right after the person moves abroad. Expats tend to want to share all their new experiences, everything they find different, funny or weird. They are usually amazed or surprised or annoyed by many things – very much a mood swing. And that’s normal. That’s a standard way of living through a change. Especially when they feel a bit lonely at the beginning, they need the support of their family and friends!
What you can do to help is to let them talk. Let them share all these experiences. Let them be excited, surprised or angry. Try to be an empathetic listener. Once you do, there is a greater chance that after this venting you will be able to continue to a regular conversation, as you would normally do.
If you don’t let them and will say things like ‘you always talk about yourself’, ‘if it’s so bad there, then why did you go/leave me’, the relationship will be loosening more and more. Plus, surely you’d like to know how they are doing abroad, don’t you? This process makes it even easier for you because especially at the beginning an expat will usually be very eager to share even the smallest details of their new living reality.
I hope it’s a helpful perspective for people whose friends or family members left to live abroad. All the above doesn’t mean that the expat doesn’t have to make any effort to understand your situation though. When in doubt, the best solution is always to talk openly about our feelings. The transition can be difficult for both sides and it’s always best to talk things through rather than assume that someone should do or know something. The responsibility to continue the caring relationship lies on both sides.
Dear expats, is there anything else you would add to these advice for your friends and families?
Dear friends and families, is there anything especially worth acknowledging from your point of view that the expats should be aware of?
I've got friends abroad. It is difficult some times, when you try to advice sth, but you don't understand exactly the situation in the country they live.
Agreed, it is difficult. I was in this situation for a long time before and now I have the chance to experience being the one living abroad. Having the two perspectives I think that the best thing is just to listen and try to learn about their perspective as much as possible. What do you think your friends could be doing to make things easier for you as well?
I think the best way would be more explaining less complaining :-) When I'm listening them, very often don't know what to say, how to help etc.
This is a hard, real job you need to do to keep those relations. And I mean it like an organized task that you put into your calendar. I have an Excel list with friends that stayed in Poland and the last dates I contacted them, so I can keep the track. It might sound crazy, but really helps :)
Might seem crazy but I quite like that approach! Sometimes I get so busy and so into the day-to-day activities that I catch myself not speaking to some of my best friends for 2 or 3 weeks! And that's absolutely not how I want these relationships to be... I might try the tracker to get into the routine of it. Do you have any specific challenges you face with keeping your relationships going from abroad?